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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Matt aka Stephie's LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 27th, 2003
3:17 pm
I Love You...But Only for Legos!
We were sitting around at your house, bored. So what do we start doing? Play-fighting, like usual. I had a broken foot, but neither of us really seemed to care. Why should we? We did this all the time. As we were wrestling, you said, "You can't beat me because I'm so masculine and manly." That did it. I was on the floor, in hysterics. I was laughing so hard that tears were falling from my eyes. You thought of this as your opportunity to win the match, and went to pull me up. But somehow, you stepped on my toe. You ripped up my toenail, and broke my toe. I let out a scream, because I was in so much pain. You felt so bad that you hid in another room and cried, while your mom bandaged my toe up.

We went babysitting later that night. By then you had apologized for breaking my toe 2 dozen times, and I apologized for screaming at you just as much. We both felt bad, and you could tell. Well, we were sitting on the floor, playing with the kids, when I noticed the plastic container of legos above me. I wanted to play with the legos. But being a cripple, I couldn't get up, or get the legos myself. "Tommy," I said to you. "Will you please get the legos down for me?" "No!" you said. I gave you my sad, puppy dog look and said, "Tommy, I loooooove you!" And then you got down the legos for me. And I smiled my mischievous smile, and said, "But only for legos!"
3:10 pm
Sometimes I Wonder...
Sometimes i wonder...do you miss me as much as i miss you? is this as hard on you as it is on me? sometimes its so hard to tell, and i wonder...
do you think of me often and wish i was there? do u fall asleep thinking of me? do u wake up and wonder how i am? do u want to hold me so badly that it hurts sometimes?
sometimes i wonder...thoughts of you fill my mind a hundred times a day. which makes not being with you hard. i miss you so much more now than before, b/c now i know i cant have u, and i dont know i ever will. that makes the missing you soo much more painfull.
sometimes i wonder...if you think of me. if you miss me. but i never wonder if you love me. i know you love me with all your heart, and your soul. and i know deep down it must break you down, it must hurt so much.
but i sometimes wonder...do you miss me as much as i miss you?
3:09 pm
Alternate Endings to Story
**READ THIS LAST!!! READ THE STORY FIRST**

Okay, these are the "alternate endings":
1.) he chooses choice one, i walk out the door, knowing things will be diff. b/c he'll no longer even be my friend, he stands in the window wondering if he made the right decision...
2.) he chooses choice two, and i walk out the door, knowing things will be diff. b/c now he's just a friend, and nothing more. he stands in the window wondering if he'll ever want anything more than a friendship...
3.) he chooses option three, and i walk out the door, knowing things will be diff. b/c he and i will start talking about dating again. after working through all the baggage of the previous relationship, we decide to give it a go, and it works.
4.) he chooses option three, and i walk out the door, knowing things will be diff. b/c he and i will start talking about dating again. after talking, we decide we're better off friends...
writing this i came up with soo many other endings...like the decide to date and it doesn?t work out...they decide to be friends and one day he wants more...he regrets giving her up and tries to get her back in his life?the list goes on and on...
3:08 pm
A Story
**this is a story i wrote, loosely based on jeff and i...for those of u that know me, u can see why...good writers write about stuff they know...or take from real events in their life and make them into fiction....at this time it has no title, but if u can think of one, let me know!**

A tear rolled down my eyes as I realized that I'd packed up the last of my stuff. Nothing of mine was left in his room. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and walked to join him in the living room. He took one look at me, and the tears started to fall again.

He walked over to me and took me in his arms, holding me close. "It shouldn?t be this hard, " I whispered. "We've been over for months." I pulled away and looked into his eyes. Those beautiful, blue eyes. The eyes that made me fall in love with him the moment I met him.

"One last kiss," I thought. As I leaned in to kiss him, it was as if he was thinking the same thing. I kissed him softly on the lips and pulled away. He leaned towards me again, and kissed me. He kissed me the way he did after I first confessed my love to him. He kissed me in a way I hadn't been kissed in a long time. Gingerly, he took off my backpack put it down, and pulled off my coat. He led me into the bedroom and touched me all over my body, kissing me everywhere. He made love to me, gently, touching me in ways he hadn't in months. And when it was over, he held me close.

I knew this was it. The end. I couldn?t do this anymore. As I hugged him goodbye, I almost couldn?t let him go. I walked out the door, knowing things would be different. Feet from my car I stopped, looking over my shoulder, back towards his apartment. I noticed him standing in the window, watching me leave.

Months past, I e-mailed him daily, a habit I could not seem to break. Occasionally, I would receive a reply. I met another guy; tall, dark, handsome, perfect. After a few months he confessed his love to me, and I wanted to do the same. But I couldn't. When he asked me why, I could only apologize. What was I to say? I can't fall in love with you because I'm afraid. Because I fell for my ex, and I fell hard. And I got hurt big time. He hurt me so badly that I'm afraid to fall in love again because I don?t want it to end like that. I can't. He'd think I was nuts. So I only said I'm sorry, I can't.

The phone rang, and looking down at the caller ID, I almost fainted. I almost didn?t answer it. But curiousity got the better of me. "I wanted to see you. I missed you." I didn?t know how to react; flattered that he missed me, or angry that he hadn't called in months. "Can I see you tonight?" he asked. I had no plans as of yet. I was going to call one of my girlfriends, go out for ice cream, and a movie, then out for coffee. But I hadn't made plans. I could go see him..."Yes...I'll be there in an hour."

As I pulled into his driveway, I thought about changing my mind, calling my girlfriend, leaving him forever. What was I doing here? I took a deep breath, and walked to the front door. He answered, with a huge grin on his face, hugging me tightly. He led me upstairs, and just held me.

He made love to me. It was perfect. He touched me and held me and paid special attention to every part of me. When it was done he held me, and smiled. But there was something hanging over us. Something in the air that needed to be said. "We can't do this anymore," I said. "You have to make a choice. Because I can't come over here and have sex with you anymore. In a little while I will walk out that door. Choice #1: I walk out that door and never look back. Choice #2, I walk out as your best friend, and only that. Choice #3, We start something again." He looked at me, unsure of what to say. "Only one choice allows you to backtrack. If I walk out as nothing, you'll never hear from me again. As as a friend, I will stay a friend. But if we start something, we'll talk. And if we decide that it's not worth starting something again, then we'll be just friends." He looked at me square in the eyes, and gave me his answer.

I walked out the door, knowing things would be different. But where the future would lead, noone knew. As I walked toward the car, I stopped a few feet away, and looked over my shoulder. I saw him in the window, watching me walk away. The choice was made.
3:08 pm
Slowly Disappearing
One day, you'll need me
And I won't be there
I wont be standing at the door
Begging for u to let
Me into your life
And there will be a day
When you turn around
And miss me
For I'm not standing there anymore
And you'll need me
For something
Only to find that I have
Disappeared from your life
From your sight
From your arms
And one day
I'll stop wanting you
And I'll find someone knew
To give all my affections to
And that will be the day
That you start running in my
Direction, confessing your love
But where have u been?
Certainly, not my friend
Not here when I need you
Not standing by
Somewhere else, far away
Too busy to notice
Not important enough for
You attention
Which goes to a thousand other
People, places, and things
So one day you'll turn around
And expect my to be there
With open arms
But you'll only find
Empty space
And dead air
In place of me
So act now, while I'm still here
For the second you need me
Ill be gone
Far away from here
3:07 pm
Alternate Endings
I decided to actually write out the alternate endings for my story. well, i chose 5 diff. endings to do. with one of the choices (choice #3) i could've written a dozen endings. with alternate ending #1, i could prob. write 2 more alternate endings. but these 5 were the easiest, and simpliest to write.
so enjoy!
and if you want to read the original story, scroll down and read the journal entry entitled "a story".
3:06 pm
Alternate Ending #1: "I walk out and never look back."
He looked at me square in the eyes, and gave me his answer. "I'm sorry," he said. "But having you here is too much of temptation. I want more than a friendship, but right now, I don't want a relationship. Unfortunately, there is only one choice I can make. I'm sorry, but I can never see you again."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat there, speechless, unable to even think. The one choice I silently hoped he wouldn't make was the one he did make. But I held back the tears. "Okay," I muttered, as I slowly dressed. He watched me, in silence, nothing to be said. "Well, good-bye," I said and headed for the doorway. "Wait", he whispered in my ear. "I'll miss you. I'm sorry." I smiled sadly and replied, "I know."

I walked out the door, knowing things would be different. But where the future would lead, no one knew. As I walked toward the car, I stopped a few feet away, and looked over my shoulder. I saw him in the window, watching me walk away. His choice was made.

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which faded into years. He never forgot how his being unable to fight his temptation lost him a friend. Some days he regretted it. And others he simply wished that he had taken more time to think it over.

He couldn't believe his eyes. There I was, standing at the bar. He hadn't seen me in years. But was I willing to forget the decision that he made years ago? There was only one way to tell. He walked up to me, and said, "Hi, remember me?" "Oh my God!" I said. The shocked expression on my face said it all. "How have you been?" I asked. "Okay...do you forgive me?" He had to know. I stood there silent for what seemed like hours. Finally, I looked him straight in the eyes, and answered.
3:04 pm
In/Out
It was so easy before
To push you away
And forget about you
But then you had to kiss me
With those lips
And look at me
With those eyes
And make me wonder what
It would be like to be with you
Again; I fall in love too easy
But I push the feelings away
Try to stop them from coming
Until I think of how it would
Feel to have you hold me again
No, I cant, I wont
Put myself thru the torture
The pain, I can't relive it
You had to walk back into
My life when i was certain
I did not need you anymore
But here you are
Fucking with my emotions
Not even knowing what you're doing
But don't stop, I beg of you
The harder it is, the more I want
To fight it
For the most excruitiating pain
Is when you walk out
Dulled only by when you walk in
3:04 pm
I Fell
That's what i fell in love with
That twinkle in your eye
That smile streching from cheek to cheek
That laugh that lights my heart on fire
That's what i feel in love with
Those eyes, so beautiful
Hiding everything and nothing from me
I could gaze deep into them
And see all the love, the pain
Those lips that i ache to kiss
That smile that could light up a room
Showing all your emotion
You're beautiful when you smile
You Laugh Captivated me
Laughter is the music of the soul
And my soul longs to hear your music
that is why i loved you.
3:04 pm
Fly Away
Heartbreaks and Headaches
Are too much for me
Can't bare it anymore
Wish I could escape
Could get away
I want to fly away

Break out
Break away
Hide somewhere
Somewhere where I cant
Find me
Anywhere, Anywhere
Just fly me away from here

Fly away
Fly away from here
Far away
Far away from here
I want to run
I want to run away
Anywhere but where i am
Somewhere else but here

Release me from the pain
Free me from everything
My thoughts have turned
Against me now
My mind has taken me prisoner
And I can't seem
To free myself

It hurts to think
It hurts to feel
My heart breaking into a thousand pieces
I can't wake up from
This undending nightmare
Trapped inside my own mind


Will you save me
Will you help me
Will you take me away
Can I fly away
Can I run away
Far away from here

Fly away
Fly away from here
Far away
Far away from here
I want to run
I want to run away
Anywhere but where I am
Somewhere else but here

Fly away
Fly away from here
Far away
Far away from here
I want to run
I want to run away
Anywhere but where I am
Somewhere else but here
2:59 pm
Alternate Ending #3
Alternate Ending #3

"We start something again."

He looked me square in the eyes, and gave me his answer. "I care for you a lot. You're my best friend. I can't promise anything will happen, but I'm willing to give it a try." A smile streched acorss my face. I hugged him and kissed him. "And however it ends, promise me we'll still be friends?" I asked. "I promise." He said.

I walked out the door, knowing things would be different. But where the future would lead, noboy knew. As I walked toward the car, I stopped a few feet away, and looked over my shoulder. I saw him in the window, watching me walk away. His choice was made.

Over the next few weeks, he and I discussed the past. What went wrong, where, when, how. We even started dating again. Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but "seeing" each other.

He called more. He spent more time with me. I was more forgiving of him. I let him hang out with his friends even if I hadn't seen him in a week, and didnt get pissed when he forgot to call.

But things changed. No matter how hard we tired, we couldn't fall back in love. We had grown too close as friends to go back to being lovers.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I do love you. I'm just..." "Not in love. Can't fall again." Tears filled my eyes. "You'll always be my best fried. I will always love you." He held me close, and i fell asleep in his arms.
2:58 pm
Alternate Ending No. 4
Alternate Ending #4

"We start something again."

He looked me square in the eyes, and gave me his answer. "I care for you a lot. You're my best friend. I can't promise anything will happen, but I'm willing to give it a try." A smile streched acorss my face. I hugged him and kissed him. "And however it ends, promise me we'll still be friends?" I asked. "I promise." He said.

I walked out the door, knowing things would be different. But where the future would lead, noboy knew. As I walked toward the car, I stopped a few feet away, and looked over my shoulder. I saw him in the window, watching me walk away. His choice was made.

Over the next few weeks, he and I discussed the past. What went wrong, where, when, how. We even started dating again. Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but "seeing" each other.

He called more. He spent more time with me. I was more forgiving of him. I let him hang out with his friends even if I hadn't seen him in a week, and didnt get pissed when he forgot to call..

I looked at him one day, and realized I had fallen for him without really noticing it. It was hard to tell him. To say those three little words again for the first time.

"Lets go out tonite. Meet me at the place at the place we first met." He laughed. We had met at this little dive in my hometown. I told him what time I'd be there, and showed up 15 mins. early. "I'll be sitting by the pool table. Same place as where I was when you first walked in." I wanted to recreate the first time I laid eyes on him. Love at first sight...
2:56 pm
Poison
You ignore me in public
But behind closed doors
You have the sweetest touch
Confusion fills my mind
And i'm unable to understand
Why i keep running back to you
The touch of your lips
Is turned to poison
By the words you speak
When you think I have turned
A deaf ear
Your soft touch
Your silently whispered words
Become painfull
For every chance you get
You stick the dagger deeper
Into my back
And you pierce my heart
I fall hard to the ground
Landing battered, bruised, beaten, and stupid
Punishment for having eyes too blind
To see the sad, sickening truth
And to taste the poison you
Slowly try to kill me with
2:56 pm
Back to Innocence
Take me back to the day
When you used to hold my hand
To help me cross the street
When the farthest I could ride my bike
Was my friends house up the street
And nothing sacred me
Take me back to innocence

We used to play in the backyard
Making mud pies and sand castles
Eating popsicles and playing baseball
Never thinking we could grow up
And have to face a cruel word
Back to the days before
My innocence was stolen away

When the biggest problem you had
Was whether or not you'd get ice cream
For desert that night or if you're best friend
Would be in your class the next year
When dreams were magical
And stars were to be wished upon
Take me back to the days
When i was innocent
2:54 pm
Touch
a touch
so magnetic
so innocent
sends shivers down my spine
fingers brush slowly and lightly
up against the skin
feeling every inch of
uncovered flesh
so magnetic
so powerfull
turning friends
into lovers
strangers
into friends
the power of
that innocent touch
2:54 pm
Conversations in the Dark
She speaks with shadows on the wall
Tells them her fears, her regrets
Things she has done
The way she feels
Tries to sort out life
With these conversations in the dark
She knows noone will answer
She waits not for a response
But tries to ease the pain of life
Speaking to something thats not there
The dark is her confident
Anything said is quickly lost and forgotten
Never repeated
Everything left unsaid during the day
Is said in this conversations with the dark
And she goes to sleep
Feeling free
Problems of the world still unsolved
No answers to the questions that plague her soul
But for a moment she can relax and be happy
As she pours out her heart
And has conversations in the dark
2:48 pm
All I Want
All I want....
is someone to hold me
when i cry
to wipe away the tears
and to kiss my cheeks
and hold me
when my world is upside down
is that so much to ask for?

All I want..
is someone to hug me
and make me feel special
instead of worthless
and no good
to love me and care for me
to be my friend
is that so much to ask for?

All I want...
is not the sun
the moon, nor the stars
i do not want to be
put up on a pedastool
or worshipped
but rather to
be loved
2:46 pm
Hello
Hello
are you there?
are you listening to what i have to say?
or are you closing your eyes
and shutting your ears
and ignoring everyword i say?
hello...im here...
im waiting for you to open eyes
that have been closed forever
since you learned that the world could hurt
and that love was painfull
and that its easier just not to feel
hello...
wake up and face the day
smell the coffee, the roses
see me standing here in front of you
waiting ever so patiently
for you to notice im here
maybe if i walk away...
and never look back...
you'll wonder where i went
hello...im here
pay attention to me
2:45 pm
Walk Away
You were standing in the doorway
But i failed to walk over
My feet could no longer drag me towards you
I stood and watch you walk away
Afraid to let you leave
But even more scared to make you stay
So i let you walk away
Out of my life, out of my heart
Forever
2:41 pm
Untitled
She sat there silently, reminicising about things past, feeling a sense of nostalgia. It was hard to believe that just a few short years ago....
She shook her head, not wanting to remember. She would get a sickening feeling in her stomach that no matter how hard she tried, she couldnt get rid of. "Why," she thought to herself. She'd fallen in and out of love since that day. Dated many people, had many crushes. Maybe it was because there was one thing standing in the way of them having a truely beautiful friendship.
Reflecting on the past can stir up feelings, painfull ones or sad ones, or happy memories tinted with melincholy after many years. It brought up the "what if's" about things she knew that whe no longer wanted. Or that she may have never wanted in the first place...
He was so eager to get married, but she was unsure of who she was. Or even what love was. Yet she said yes anyway, b/c she knew he loved her, and that he'd always be there for her. But she knew that one day the opportunity to find herself woud present itself.
And it did, and she took it, risking her life. And sure enough, she lost that love. "It wasnt meant to be..." she repeated to herself, over and over again.
But what if it was, and she just screwed it up by leaving? But finally she realized the answer. If it was meant to be, he would have been waiting for her when she returned. the feelings would not have faded.
The memories eventually stopped being soo painfull...instead of thinking of the end, she thought of the beginning, when things went well...
And silently she wished that he would be happy, always and forever.
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